I am now officially 9 months pregnant.

It feels like this.


I think back to the glorious days of 2nd trimester, when I was cutely pregnant, not hugely pregnant. I had energy. I could bend over. I had no stretch marks or heartburn. My shirts still fit over my belly.

I am even envious of first trimester, when I simply looked a little pudgy. Sure, I was always tired and hungry, and I had to run to the ladies’ room every 20 to 30 minutes, but I could still move quickly, most of my clothes fit, I could go up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

At 9 months, I have a growing list of problems that I can only categorize as #pregnantproblems.

1. Strange, irrational, raging emotions.
I am not emotionally stable enough to handle any Carrie Underwood song (particularly “This is Just a Dream”), classic Disney movie (The Little Mermaid), or anything involving abandoned or abused animals, veterans coming home from the Middle East, or any combination of the two. I also take it personally when I hurt myself accidentally, like stubbing a toe or getting a paper cut. I feel as though the world is out to get me. And two weeks ago I had a meltdown at midnight in my bathroom because none of my shirts could fit over my belly anymore.

2. Gravity hates me.
I feel as though everything I pick up is ten times heavier than it was 9 months ago. The other day I picked up a large ceramic bowl that I used to be able to spin on my pinky finger. Now it feels like a bowling ball. You would think with my increasing size that I would be getting stronger, but in fact, I seem to be growing weaker.

3. Pregnancy Brain
I thought this was a myth or an urban legend, but people, I am here to tell you that pregnancy brain is alive and well in our society today. What is this “pregnancy brain”, you ask? It is a strange condition in which the mind of the pregnant woman takes a long nap, leaving the pregnant woman incapable of remembering anything, hearing correctly, or keeping up with any conversation. This is especially difficult for my students. Last week, a student asked if she could borrow some lotion from me. I responded with, “No, because you’ll lose valuable test taking time.” I thought she had asked to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, she was quite confused. But they have benefited as well. I have forgotten to print quizzes, enter grades into the grade book,  and accidentally gave answers to the class during tests. So this is working out quite nicely for them.

4. Drop something on the ground? Clear your schedule for the next 20 minutes.
You’re not going anywhere. In order to retrieve the dropped item from the ground, it’s going to take several minutes of meticulous planning. Certain things need to be in place for a successful retrieval. They are:

– a sturdy piece of furniture, a large ledge, or counter top to hold on to
– adequate room for squatting
– a handy cell phone, in case you are alone and need assistance
– hydration
– a flare gun

And of course there is the presquatting ritual of hiking your pants, spreading your legs, and taking a deep breath. Let’s hope you’ve made a recent trip to the bathroom, otherwise you can bet on a little leakage.

Oh, and this.



I cannot stress the importance of fiber and water in the final months of pregnancy. If you want the full description of my most horrific bowel movement ever, email me.