Dear Menards Guest

I work at Menards.

Dear Menards Guest,

No, I cannot do an exchange at my register just because you have the item you wish the exchange with you. Please go to the giant customer service type area labeled “CUSTOMER SERVICE”.

I don’t know why your credit card was declined, but it may have something to do with your iPhone, designer bag, and the 8 pounds of candy you are trying to purchase.

I’m sorry you thought that $150 patio umbrella was on clearance for $10. Anyone could have mistook that $10 price tag that was 20 feet away from the product.

No, my register is not open. I just like standing at the end of the lane with the light on. I don’t even work here, I just really like wearing this apron.

I’m sorry I don’t know you by name, sir. It might have something to do with how you’re dressed like every other contractor here. I’ll still need to see some I.D.

Go ahead and put those 60 pound bags of concrete on the conveyor belt. Even though you had to use a cart to bring them to the register, it’s no problem for a little girl like me to lift each one.

While you’re at it, finish your phone conversation before you sign off on the 96 cent pack of gum that you put on your credit card. The other guests can wait. ┬áThat mom with two toddlers screaming for candy or the potty doesn’t have anywhere she needs to be.

You know what would make my day? Just cram all of your purchases on the belt with no separation between your items and the next guest’s. I will magically know which items are your’s and which are not. They give us special training for that.

Oh, and let your kids run willy nilly up and down the lane. I don’t mind their constant requests to push buttons and play with my stapler. Their shrieking is such a refreshing sound. And keep adding candy to your cart, they need all the sugar they can get to ensure they go into a pre-diabetic coma later.

I don’t care about the sordid details of how you came to discover that these door hinges do not fit. I just need to know if they’re damaged or not. I’m sure it’s a thrilling tale, but I really must get back to staring hopelessly into the dense abyss that is my future.

Thanks and have a great day!

Your friendly Menards cashier