Stuff Christian Girls Say

Christian girls speak their own dialect of English. Who really knows what “Where’s my Boaz?” means other than Christian girls? They make so many obscure Biblical references that even hipsters don’t know what they’re talking about.

“I want to be an Esther!”

Translation: I want the cute, popular guy to notice my humble beauty.

“Where’s my Solomon to tempt me with apples and figs in the vineyard of our marriage?”

Translation: Girl, I need to get married NOW.

“Watch out for the Gomer.”

Translation: That hussy’s shirt is way too low-cut. Lock up your man.

But my favorite thing Christian girls say is this one: “I’m dating Jesus.”

This is probably the single most confusing thing that is said in youth groups and Bible colleges across the country. More confusing than the debate between God’s sovereignty and free will, pre-trib and post-trib rapture, and whether or not Adam and Eve had belly buttons.

Ladies, let’s be honest: Jesus is out of your league.

Dating Jesus is like being on The Bachelor, minus the hot tubs.

I once overheard a guy say, “I don’t know how Jesus has time to listen to my prayers when He’s too busy dating ¬†every girl at Bible college.”

Why do Christian girls think they can get away with the Jesus excuse? 9 out of 10 times it backfires on them. Here’s the deal, when you say “I’m dating Jesus” or “I really need to focus on my relationship with Jesus right now” what a guy hears is “I’m super holy, thus making me an ideal wife candidate, and even though I’m dating Jesus now, I won’t always be, so you should try harder.” The Jesus excuse only prolongs the inevitable, painful, awkward “let’s be friends” talk. And even that conversation is filled with so much ambiguity that it takes hours for the message to get across.

What do I suggest? Just be honest and straightforward: “I’m flattered, but I’m not interested in you.” Simple. Sure, it sounds terrible, but it’s kind of like pulling a tooth. It’ll hurt, but if you leave it in there, it’s only going to hurt more.

#BOOM

The girls are going to be so encouraged.

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The Trials and Tribulations of Dating a Musician

Every girl secretly dreams of dating a musician.

Shakespeare said, “If music be the food of love, play on.”

How many times have women listened to songs like “Jesse’s Girl”, “Sweet Caroline”, or “Hey There Delilah” and longed to be the inspiration, the girl standing in the wings backstage, exchanging stolen glances with her musician while he plays to thousands of screaming fans and reveling in the knowledge that they knew his true artist’s soul? *SIGH* Butterflies. It’s the stuff of dreams.

I’m here to blow the lid off that fantasy.

There are hazards to dating a musician. I’m talking about more than just the constant threat of some fast-and-loose groupie trying to scoop your man in a frenzied backstage moment. There are very real, physical, mental, and emotional hazards that every women should take into account before getting involved with a musician. And as different as Beethoven’s 5th symphony is from “Stairway to Heaven”, so are the hazards of dating a drummer over a guitarist, a bassist over a songwriter, a tambourine shaker over a keyboardist. I’ve compiled a helpful guide.

If you’re dating a drummer: BEWARE! You’re in the most physical danger. You are not just the drummer’s girlfriend; you are a piece of percussion equipment. Your drummer may discover he loves the sound of his fingertips slapping out a sweet beat on your upper arm, stomach, or head. Protective gear may sound like a good idea, but it will only increase your man’s desire to drum on you. Additionally, you and your man will experience some issues with communication, because you will never be heard the first time, due to extensive inner ear damage. Be prepared to repeat yourself. And work on your enunciation.

If you’re dating a bassist: I hope you’re a good actress, because let’s be honest; it’s hard to be enthusiastic about bass lines. buuuuhhhhhm……buhbuhbuh…..buuuuuhhhhmmmm……..buhbuhbuhbuhbuh…..“Don’t you love it?…..”That’s so awesome, baby! Your part is the best part of the song! It really fills out the sound!”

If you’re dating a singer/songwriter: Brace yourself for an emotional roller coaster. He’s been quiet and pensive all day, staring off into the distance, barely responding to anything you say. He turns to you with anguish in his eyes. You’re expecting those four dreaded words, “We need to talk”, but the four words that come out of his mouth instead are: “Nothing rhymes with ‘orange'”. ¬†Your man’s happiness depends on his ability to melodically express his thoughts, while rhyming and appearing clever. It’s best to carry a pocket thesaurus in your purse.

Obviously this is not a comprehensive list. These are simply a few observations I have made in recent months and I felt it my duty as a woman to offer fair warning to other women, lest you find yourself the inspiration of a chart topping breakup song. God speed to you all in your quest for musically enriched romance.