The Trials and Tribulations of Dating a Musician

Every girl secretly dreams of dating a musician.

Shakespeare said, “If music be the food of love, play on.”

How many times have women listened to songs like “Jesse’s Girl”, “Sweet Caroline”, or “Hey There Delilah” and longed to be the inspiration, the girl standing in the wings backstage, exchanging stolen glances with her musician while he plays to thousands of screaming fans and reveling in the knowledge that they knew his true artist’s soul? *SIGH* Butterflies. It’s the stuff of dreams.

I’m here to blow the lid off that fantasy.

There are hazards to dating a musician. I’m talking about more than just the constant threat of some fast-and-loose groupie trying to scoop your man in a frenzied backstage moment. There are very real, physical, mental, and emotional hazards that every women should take into account before getting involved with a musician. And as different as Beethoven’s 5th symphony is from “Stairway to Heaven”, so are the hazards of dating a drummer over a guitarist, a bassist over a songwriter, a tambourine shaker over a keyboardist. I’ve compiled a helpful guide.

If you’re dating a drummer: BEWARE! You’re in the most physical danger. You are not just the drummer’s girlfriend; you are a piece of percussion equipment. Your drummer may discover he loves the sound of his fingertips slapping out a sweet beat on your upper arm, stomach, or head. Protective gear may sound like a good idea, but it will only increase your man’s desire to drum on you. Additionally, you and your man will experience some issues with communication, because you will never be heard the first time, due to extensive inner ear damage. Be prepared to repeat yourself. And work on your enunciation.

If you’re dating a bassist: I hope you’re a good actress, because let’s be honest; it’s hard to be enthusiastic about bass lines. buuuuhhhhhm……buhbuhbuh…..buuuuuhhhhmmmm……..buhbuhbuhbuhbuh…..“Don’t you love it?…..”That’s so awesome, baby! Your part is the best part of the song! It really fills out the sound!”

If you’re dating a singer/songwriter: Brace yourself for an emotional roller coaster. He’s been quiet and pensive all day, staring off into the distance, barely responding to anything you say. He turns to you with anguish in his eyes. You’re expecting those four dreaded words, “We need to talk”, but the four words that come out of his mouth instead are: “Nothing rhymes with ‘orange'”. ¬†Your man’s happiness depends on his ability to melodically express his thoughts, while rhyming and appearing clever. It’s best to carry a pocket thesaurus in your purse.

Obviously this is not a comprehensive list. These are simply a few observations I have made in recent months and I felt it my duty as a woman to offer fair warning to other women, lest you find yourself the inspiration of a chart topping breakup song. God speed to you all in your quest for musically enriched romance.

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