#PostPartumProblems

Last summer, when I found out I was pregnant, I thought to myself, “How fortunate to be in my third trimester during the winter! Now I won’t have to suffer in the unbearable summer heat like so many other mothers!”

It was incredibly naive and short sighted.

Because as terrible as it would be to spend the final months of pregnancy in sweltering heat, your belly at its most glorious, there are wonderful inventions like central air conditioning and snow cones to combat feeling like a sweaty hippo in search of a mud hole. Then, you give birth to your beautiful little meatloaf and you have all fall and winter to hide the tragic remains of your body under bulky, cozy layers of fleece and cable knit while you get yourself together.

When you have your baby in spring, and you’re totally pumped to “treat yo’self” to some new, non-maternity clothes, this is what you’re presented with.

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Guys, someone cut the bottoms off all of these tank tops.

When I told the lady at Target that I suspected youths of this horrible vandalism, she just laughed and walked away. Then I saw this.

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What is this???? Where is the rest of the shirt? Don’t they know some of us are not going to be able to conceal the jello bowl remains of our stomachs in shirts like this??

Excuse me, where is the section for stylish, postpartum moms?
Tough luck moms. Don’t even get me started on swimwear.

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I’m pretty sure these triangles are the same size as my breast pads.

I eventually found a maxi skirt with a wide elastic waist band, perfect for popping a squat anywhere to nurse a screaming child.

And these beauties.

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Hello friends.

I guess it’s time to tuck my stomach pooch into my big girl panties and accept the fact that I’ll be sweatin’ it out in gym shorts all summer.

#PregnantProblems

I am now officially 9 months pregnant.

It feels like this.

gassycat

I think back to the glorious days of 2nd trimester, when I was cutely pregnant, not hugely pregnant. I had energy. I could bend over. I had no stretch marks or heartburn. My shirts still fit over my belly.

I am even envious of first trimester, when I simply looked a little pudgy. Sure, I was always tired and hungry, and I had to run to the ladies’ room every 20 to 30 minutes, but I could still move quickly, most of my clothes fit, I could go up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

At 9 months, I have a growing list of problems that I can only categorize as #pregnantproblems.

1. Strange, irrational, raging emotions.
I am not emotionally stable enough to handle any Carrie Underwood song (particularly “This is Just a Dream”), classic Disney movie (The Little Mermaid), or anything involving abandoned or abused animals, veterans coming home from the Middle East, or any combination of the two. I also take it personally when I hurt myself accidentally, like stubbing a toe or getting a paper cut. I feel as though the world is out to get me. And two weeks ago I had a meltdown at midnight in my bathroom because none of my shirts could fit over my belly anymore.

2. Gravity hates me.
I feel as though everything I pick up is ten times heavier than it was 9 months ago. The other day I picked up a large ceramic bowl that I used to be able to spin on my pinky finger. Now it feels like a bowling ball. You would think with my increasing size that I would be getting stronger, but in fact, I seem to be growing weaker.

3. Pregnancy Brain
I thought this was a myth or an urban legend, but people, I am here to tell you that pregnancy brain is alive and well in our society today. What is this “pregnancy brain”, you ask? It is a strange condition in which the mind of the pregnant woman takes a long nap, leaving the pregnant woman incapable of remembering anything, hearing correctly, or keeping up with any conversation. This is especially difficult for my students. Last week, a student asked if she could borrow some lotion from me. I responded with, “No, because you’ll lose valuable test taking time.” I thought she had asked to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, she was quite confused. But they have benefited as well. I have forgotten to print quizzes, enter grades into the grade book,  and accidentally gave answers to the class during tests. So this is working out quite nicely for them.

4. Drop something on the ground? Clear your schedule for the next 20 minutes.
You’re not going anywhere. In order to retrieve the dropped item from the ground, it’s going to take several minutes of meticulous planning. Certain things need to be in place for a successful retrieval. They are:

– a sturdy piece of furniture, a large ledge, or counter top to hold on to
– adequate room for squatting
– a handy cell phone, in case you are alone and need assistance
– hydration
– a flare gun

And of course there is the presquatting ritual of hiking your pants, spreading your legs, and taking a deep breath. Let’s hope you’ve made a recent trip to the bathroom, otherwise you can bet on a little leakage.

Oh, and this.

HeyGirlFiber

 

I cannot stress the importance of fiber and water in the final months of pregnancy. If you want the full description of my most horrific bowel movement ever, email me.

#pregnantproblems