Stuff Christian Girls Say

Christian girls speak their own dialect of English. Who really knows what “Where’s my Boaz?” means other than Christian girls? They make so many obscure Biblical references that even hipsters don’t know what they’re talking about.

“I want to be an Esther!”

Translation: I want the cute, popular guy to notice my humble beauty.

“Where’s my Solomon to tempt me with apples and figs in the vineyard of our marriage?”

Translation: Girl, I need to get married NOW.

“Watch out for the Gomer.”

Translation: That hussy’s shirt is way too low-cut. Lock up your man.

But my favorite thing Christian girls say is this one: “I’m dating Jesus.”

This is probably the single most confusing thing that is said in youth groups and Bible colleges across the country. More confusing than the debate between God’s sovereignty and free will, pre-trib and post-trib rapture, and whether or not Adam and Eve had belly buttons.

Ladies, let’s be honest: Jesus is out of your league.

Dating Jesus is like being on The Bachelor, minus the hot tubs.

I once overheard a guy say, “I don’t know how Jesus has time to listen to my prayers when He’s too busy dating  every girl at Bible college.”

Why do Christian girls think they can get away with the Jesus excuse? 9 out of 10 times it backfires on them. Here’s the deal, when you say “I’m dating Jesus” or “I really need to focus on my relationship with Jesus right now” what a guy hears is “I’m super holy, thus making me an ideal wife candidate, and even though I’m dating Jesus now, I won’t always be, so you should try harder.” The Jesus excuse only prolongs the inevitable, painful, awkward “let’s be friends” talk. And even that conversation is filled with so much ambiguity that it takes hours for the message to get across.

What do I suggest? Just be honest and straightforward: “I’m flattered, but I’m not interested in you.” Simple. Sure, it sounds terrible, but it’s kind of like pulling a tooth. It’ll hurt, but if you leave it in there, it’s only going to hurt more.

#BOOM

The girls are going to be so encouraged.

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