Lessons they didn’t teach you in Sunday School

If you were raised in church, you probably spent about an hour and half every Sunday morning learning important life lessons from a woman with glasses too big for her face, feathered bangs, and an ankle length denim jumper. She taught you important lessons like don’t fight with your brothers and sisters because one of you might end up dead (Cain and Abel), obey your parents even if they are trying to sacrifice you on a mountain because there’s probably a good reason for it (Abraham and Isaac), and listen to Jesus instead of cleaning your room (Mary and Martha). We also learned important trades like glueing macaroni to paper plates, making homemade Christmas ornaments, and using so much finger paint that it would inevitably end up all over Mom’s dress and she’d still have to be happy about it.

However, as I have grown up, I can’t help but think that we missed out on some important life lessons. I have taken to liberty to compile a list.

  1.       Samson and Delilah- Lesson learned: don’t let your friends cut your hair. They don’t know what they’re doing and are probably working undercover for the Philistines anyway.
  2.     Eve and the Serpent, and Balaam and his…..donkey- Lesson learned: if animals are talking to you, you’re in trouble. Don’t buy into C.S. Lewis’ nonsense.
  3. Joseph and his brothers- Lesson learned- be nice to your irritating younger siblings, just in case they grow up to be more successful than you.
  4. David and Goliath- Lesson learned- sometimes, throwing rocks is a good thing.
  5. Rachel and Leah- Lesson learned- don’t steal your sister’s man.

Personally, I feel as if I have been totally unprepared for my adult life because I missed out on these lessons. I can stitch a mean macaroni wallet though.


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