what your coffee says about you

There’s a secret language that exists among everyone who consumes liquid beverages. It is spoken by many, but understood by few. Those who understand it are given the title of “barista”. The most common understanding of the Italian word “barista” is “a person who makes and serves coffee in a coffee bar”. Since my assimilation into the ranks of the baristas two months ago, I have learned the true meaning of the word. Barista: comedian, weather person, therapist, and drug dealer. A barista is more than just the person who pulls your espresso shots and steams your milk. We have also learned the art of discovering exactly who you are based on what you order. And it is here that I offer this handy guide as a way of looking into your inner self.

Decaf Sugar Free No Whip Soy Snickers Smoothie:
This is also known as the “Why Bother?” These people are the fun sponges of the world. They soak up all the fun for themselves but instead of enjoying it, they squirrel is away like some bizzare episode of “Hoarders: Burried Alive”. You might fall into this category if you find yourself asking “Is this water sanitary?” at the public pool, insisting that everyone wait half an hour after eating before swimming, and only allowing one person on your trampoline at a time.

Americano with Heavy Whipping Cream/Caramel Breve
(For those who don’t know, a breve (pronounce brevay, NOT brawvay) is essentially a latte with half and half instead of milk.) I like to call this the “Suicide Watch”. Orderers of this drink are typically trying to kill themselves slowly and make it look like an accident. That, or they’re tempting fate with the “die young and leave a pretty corpse” philosophy. This beverage is usually accompanied with a slice of marble bread, the pastry with the highest calorie count. You might be this person if you gravitate towards dark, musty basements, or you’re saving money to go skydiving over a chain of active volcanoes.

The Incredibly Precise Cup of Coffee
This is affectionately called “The Control Freak”. It sounds like this, “I’ll have a large coffee, medium roast, half caf, exactly 137 degrees Fahrenheit, 4 miligrams of half and half, 73 granules of Splenda, and 3 U.S. currency nickle sized cubes of ice from the polar ice caps, Northern hemisphere, please.” Even though a cup of coffee is the easiest thing to make, these customers are the most intimidating. You think they won’t know if you only put 72 granules of Splenda in their coffee, but they know. And they will rage hard. Steaming hot coffee will come flying in your face (it won’t burn you because of the 3 U.S. currency nickle sized ice cubes from the polar ice caps, but it will cause a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth.). These people are similar to fun sponges, but way more intense.

Extra shot, extra flavor, extra whip
We like to call this beverage “Luxuriating”. These are the extravagant types, the kind of people who want more, more, more with all the toppings. They tend to get carried away with themselves. Typically, they order a simple drink: “Medium white mocha.” Then they decide to get a little fancy, “Make it a large….” then it gets crazy. “Add an extra shot….and extra flavor….and extra whip….and sprinkles…..and soak a cookie in it……and toss in a puppy….no, FIVE puppies…..and some balloons…..and candy!!!” By the time they get to the drive thru window they are in such a frenzy that they start throwing wads of cash at you and practically climb into the window and get the drink themselves. These people get easily carried away with everything. Their cars have an excess of bumper stickers and things hanging from their rearview mirrors, and there are usually at least three very excited dogs in the backseat.

These are only the 4 most common types of people who come through our drive thru. You may be asking, “Don’t normal people come to your store?” The answer: NO. Normal people don’t drink coffee.


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